What Happens In Vegas...

I have been reading the local news on the internet. I don't watch it at night because I can't sleep when I do. I can't watch Hoarders right before bed either. Scary stuff.

So this is what is happening in our small town...

The CES show. Lots of drunk people, stay away from the strip.

Near drowning of a 3 year old. This is why I can't sleep.

Marijuana controversy. Although it is medical marijuana is legal here, they are closing down dispensaries right and left. You can legally grow it...you just can't buy it.

Is it just me or does this make you giggle? In Nevada? HAHAHAHA!!!

You can have a prostitute, and a myriad of other things that go on here and you can't legally buy weed but you can smoke it? I don't get it. Does this mean the little old lady with cancer that buys from a dispensary is going to get arrested?

We also have some of the toughest adoption laws in the country yet a sexual predator that has worked in day care for years was just caught. Ummm...back ground checks?

You know, this was a safer and cleaner town when the mob was running it. Just ask Charlie Sheen.

A Brand New Year!!?

I have not posted since the beginning of November so this is going to be it in a nut shell.

November...well that was a trippy month. WB has been so sick this year I am at a loss. What do you do if there is nothing you can do? He is so miserable. We went back in the hospital with the usual shunt problems and then found the Mersa. Like he doesn't have enough to deal with? And his port-a-cath clogged up. The boy already has no veins!

My FIL passed away on December 1st. WB and I were in the hospital so we missed the funeral. Bummer. Although Grandpa did not like me anyways. Go figure. How could you not like me? I can see it if you are a normal person, but he HAS to like me. He is the only father I have had for the last 20 years. He was 86 years old and a great man and I tried to take care of him the best I could and he did appreciate that. He was always very polite and nice to me but...oh well. Bummer.

Because of WB being so sick I didn't do Christmas shopping until 3 days before Christmas. Thank goodness for internet shopping and BFF's that come for the day and put up my pathetic amount of Christmas decorations! I am getting rid of at least half of it this year. And yes it is still up in the house and will probably be up on 4th of July. Don't judge. Unless you all want to come and take it down with me. I'll even cook for you!

Christmas was crappy. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named has a b-day on Christmas Eve. Who gets arrested on Christmas Eve for ALLEGEDLY stealing a car? Who does that? On Christmas?!

I had to tell his kids the reason he wasn't with them was because he was feeding the homeless at a soup kitchen. Yes I am going to hell for lying to them but...oh well. They are only 4 and 6. They have their whole lives to find out about him.

I got some hate mail today asking me if I was still blogging. (JK Sissy!) I have wanted to but have been a little down lately. You know, the thing I love about getting old is that you don't have to have crappy friends. You get to weed out the high maintenance people in your life. I am so afraid that I am turning into THAT friend. YOu know the one with the black cloud over their head?

I am trying to be like KP. Always happy. I am very good about living in denial and popping the happy pills but after 133 surgeries on WB, it gets a little hard. I had to teach a RS lesson at church about gratitude. I am thankful for lots of things...a great husband, a convict, (yes he is still in jail), WB goes without saying, and a daughter who plagiarized her book report straight off the computer right after the principal gave them a 30 minute lecture about it the day before.

I blame the principal for it. I KNOW McFly did not come up with that on her own. The principal gave her the idea. Why should McFly get the F? I mean word for word! Cut and paste. Even left the highlighted words in there.

Yes...Mother of the Year. I really have it going on. No wonder my FIL hated me!

What's in YOUR wallet?!

I am so sick of commercials. Political commercials. And Political phone calls. And my recycling bin is overflowing, and we just re-elected a wing nut to the Senate. And NCIS was preempted last night. That is just wrong! How can I make it through the week without my dose of Gibbs?

I'm sure we are all happy/miserable for the outcome of elections but joined in delight that it is all over, and just in time to start cooking for Thanksgiving. I am tired and want to come to your house and eat this year. What time shall we be there?

I do love the fall. It is my favorite time of the year. I don't know why, but I feel it is time for renewal. Out with the old and in with the new. Spring cleaning, opening all the windows and airing the house out. Airing out your spirit. Take a deep breath and smell football in the air!

Yes, I am rambling. I have a tendency to do that. Nothing important to say...except someone at my church heard me ringtone the other day and told me it was evil. Seriously? What is so evil about the song " Time Warp"? It is a great song!

What is your ringtone? What does it say about you? I have a couple of them. "Time Warp" and "You Can't Always Get What You Want" are great songs. Does that mean I am evil because I like a song from a sick and twisted movie that makes me giggle? I don't get it. Tell me about yours and don't judge me. Am I evil? (sad face)

I Got In Trouble For Telling A Lie...

Since Crash called me a bigfatliar and said Shoe Girl was cuter and skinner than me, I thought I would make it up to her. People who REALLY know me just expect everything I say is a lie, but since I have never been to Hawaii and she won't let me stay with her when I got to Happy Valley I thought I would make it up to her. Just so she knows that I am not giving back her play list!

OK quilty friends!! If you guys even knew how funny that was because none of my real quilty friends even read this bog they just read all of yours 'cuz secretly they hate me. So Sherri, please tell all of your quilter friends which covers about half of the world you stinkin' over achiever you!!! (Really she is an unbelievable quilter AND has a clean organized sewing room, so I secretly hate her!)

I don't know how to do a linky thingy. No one will tell me how to do it because they don't want to link to their blogs but I do know how to add a gadget! I have a new one to The Magic Quilt! Click on over and maybe if you all donate (and I'll bet they could use some quilts too) Maybe Miss Soon To Be Author will be my friend again.

Yes! I will bring fabric to the next game and maybe I can talk April and Shelle into going with me!!!

We will just call this my Eagle Project!!!!

My Journey From Bitterness to Forgiveness...for CRASH!!!

Well sorry to say this whole problem started with Jack Johnson. Yes good old JJ. Crash(insert linky thingy here. Someone please e-mail me and tell me how to do it)! Anyway...Crash had a contest for JJ tickets in SLC and I must have entered 50 times and I did NOT win!!! How could that be? Seriously Crash...I think it was rigged. Some other sweet soul won but she is an innocent victim in all of this unless she is Crash's BFF and I just don't know about it.

I was so unset about it that I could not even sleep at night with such hard feels. I mean really. Does she kick puppies? Does she text and drive at the same time? Does she? Who would not let me win?

I tried so hard to figure out a way to get back at her but realized that it was just too much work to be mad so I decided to forgive her and the blessings just started to flow. Yes! Hallelujah! It does pay to take that high road! My ex-SIL Shoe Girl called...

Oh Yeah!!! Michael Buble'!!!

15th row...front and center!!!

Now if I was petty and completely a wicked woman I would say nanny nanny!!!

But of course I would never do that.

This is me and Shoe Girl. Don't let looks fool you, I am the slutty one. And she is making me look fatter than I really am.

I really hate going places with her. Yes she is fun and stuff, but she does get gawked at, stared and drooled at, women despise her and she has even been stalked with me there. Seriously. We had to call the cops. I was throwing myself at that dang stalker and he still wanted her!

Well Crash...as soon as you apologize to me and tell me how jealous you are that I got to see Michael Buble', (I like to call him Michael Bubble because it freaks McFly out. It gets her every time! She yells at me! "Mom! It's not Bubble. It's Buble')! then Crash and only then will my journey be complete. And...why won't he come to Vegas anyway? Does he think we are all sinners and big fat liars? Well maybe we are. About Crash anyway. That sweet spirit her.

Speaking of McFly she finally saw all 3 Back To The Future's. I told her that is where we got her nick name from. She didn't get it. And there we are.

If Crash ever speaks to me again because I'm a big rude to her, I will tell her that me and my BFF's are going to bring her a booty load of fabric for her Magic Quilt. (insert linky thingy here) I have lots of quilter friends you know.

And forgiveness is a wonderful thing.

I Beg You...DON'T FORGET ME!!!

OK, so who has forgotten all about me and my pathetic life? Oh don't act like life has just moved on for ya'll and you have problems of your own because it is all about me!!!

Well it is Friday the 13th and historically it is a GREAT day for me and it started out great. I watched Tremors last night, classic Kevin Bacon and slept in till 9:30 because WB stayed up late last night, then I got all bitter because Crash won't take me to see Jack Johnson and Shelle made me do the ugly cry which I thought was reserved for teaching Relief Society. I would do links to their lovely blogs and I would like to tell you I won't because of my aforementioned bitterness...but in reality I can't remember how. So there.

After the ICU stay for WB and before the bitterness, this is what I have been doing.

TADAAAAA!! How do you like the tricked out dresser I painted for McFly? And yes I did the rose swag on them and the roses on the side. Well I glued them on and painted them anyway.

Now because I have forgotten how to upload photos correctly, this post will be all over the place. I know that is surprising to you since you all think my life is in order...but I have news for you...

This...

And this...

and of course this...is my REAL life.

Well technically, it is my She Cave and I am redo it. I can't redo my life so I am redoing my house. It is called denial and yes I love me some Elvis and my new imac I got for Mother's Day. I had to beg and cry and withhold ...well you know. Just kidding...I would NEVER withhold THAT!!!

This is my new scrapbooking cabinet that I drove to SLC and got off of Mormon's Craig List. Just kidding...KSL.com. I love it!! It was a really cool orange, red, salmon, blah, blah but I painted it happy colors. Like a beach, but not.

This is another dresser I painted, bought it for $40 bucks! I love it but have no where to put it so it is sitting in my living room. By the way, the rest of my house does not look like my She Cave, I do clean...sometimes.

By the way I need a really cool antique mirror in that nekked spot.

Yes, I admit it, I love beat up old furniture. I LOVE antiques and have had them for years, but my BFF Texas, came down (she lives in Provo now and lets me slum at her house for the BYU games), and helped me change my living space...well maybe she did it while I ran back and forth to help WB. They had to take his pain pump out of his spine because it was infected so he is quite needy now and we (I mean HE) lives on Loratab and Valium. I wish it was WE!!

See my great lamp shade Texas made me for my B-Day?!! It is made out of my Grandmother's hankies.

Did I tell you that my cute little FIL is living with us now? Got rid of the stupid BIL after 4 yrs, just in time for Grandpa to move in. He is not well and can't be left alone.

Here is my buddy WB...do you see where I am going with this?!!!

Actually, my sweet grandbabies just moved back to Vegas so I will get to see them more often!

Baby Momma and He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named got divorced, but I got custody of her!

McFly and The Princess fight like cats and dogs or sisters...close call on which is worse! Sibling rivalry is new to me and I have a hard time dealing with it. Too much chaos in in our lives. But I am glad to have them near us and I LOVE Baby Momma's new boyfriend. He is good those babies so I don't have to worry about them...much. All Grammy's worry, right?

School is about to start and I can't wait for some semblance of a routine. That was a joke huh?

Well I will get back to cleaning the cave, crankin' the itunes, and ignoring my children. It is what I do best. And speaking of Princess...the other one...thanks for the card...I love you!!

P.S. I am not proofreading this so don't judge.

Things that make me smile!

OK...things that make me smile...hummmmmm...I got nothin'!

No really...I'm trying to make myself think of things that make me smile so I will not feel sorry for myself. So...here goes!

Walking out of that dreadful hospital and smelling the thick fragrance of Jasmine in the air.

Pulling up to a red light, made at everyone and hearing "I Am A Child Of God" coming from the car next to me and seeing a cute little Mexican lady singing at the top of her lungs. Life is good.

Seeing brand new babies leaving the hospital...and knowing I get to sleep all night! HAHAHA

Getting a texted photo from The Princess who just lost her first tooth! I told Baby Momma she needed 10 bucks for that one!

Well that is all I have right now. WB has been in ICU for over 3 weeks now but is getting better!

I have gained about a million pounds but I got my new Jack Johnson download yesterday so all is right with the world.

I have not been reading every one's post lately, I should have...KP can always make me laugh! If anything great of very bad has happened, good for you or I am sorry which ever is more appropriate. Hopefully we will be coming home on Sunday and I can get back to quilting and wasting my days reading about yawl's exciting lives.

School is out and as you all know I am not the nice kind of mother that LOVES having kids home for the summer. The only thing good about it is that I get to sleep in. Of course I can get a nice slave girl out of it. See? There is good in everything.

What I REALLY meant to say...

This post is a tribute to Chief and her Wednesday's that I really love but am too flaky to participate in. So check her out tomorrow and here I go...

To the "friends" that rag on me for having my 84 yr. old in congestive heart failure father in law move in with me next month, when I smiled and said "I know", what I really meant to say...

"SHUT THE HELL UP!!!" Don't tell me I have too much on my plate and can't handle it. I know that! Don't you think I know that?! It is your job as "friends" to listen to me complain and cry about it, but support me in it! I love this man and will do what I can for him even if that means having an extra 6 Diet Cokes and a Xanax everyday. Please support me and give me chocolate."

To Homer that won't buy me a new computer and I say "That's ok, I understand we don't have the money", what I really meant to say...

I want it!! I deserve it!!! I have 1 kid with a hole in his head that will not heal, and 2 psychos' living here not to mention your Dad is coming and I need something to get me through it!! Gimme, gimme, gimme! I know I sound like a selfish little brat but I don't care! I WANT IT!!!

To my favorite doc Peeps who wants to put WB in the hospital this week for a hole in his head and I said "OK", what I really meant to say...

"Oh come on! It's Mothers Day on Sunday! I would rather spend the day with criminals at home that nuns in the hospital!" (Actually, I did text him and told him that and he said OK) but I just wanted to vent anyway just because I feel sorry for myself.

And last but not least...to my children whenever I smile at them, what I really meant to say...
"For cryin' in a bucket pull your head out of your rear end and get your life together! Who is going to take care of your father when he is 84 years old? Don't worry about me because I don't want to live with you either! You can just take me out to the north 40, but your Dad? He's the GOOD parent and he deserves it!"

Well, I feel better, now I will go have a cookie, make aprons for Sherri and Dawn, pop an Excedrin and have another Diet Coke. Happy Mothers Day to all of you! And if you are not a mother I would say lucky you, but that would be insensitive.

Missed you guys!!!

I have been MIA for like, forever and I have missed you guys! This has been a very long year already and it is only March!!!

My WB has had it rough this year, and we have requested that they just put a zipper in his head. 125 surgeries and counting. I hope this last one takes. I really hate to see him in pain (if you do the migraine thing, think of that 24/7), so we just might have to take him out to the north 40.

Let's see...what else...Oh!! I had my grand babies for a week during AZ Spring Break! It was great and VERY exhausting! How can something so cute be so much work? I had allergies something fierce due to our 70-80 degree weather. Take that you northerners!!!

OK, now McFly...that girl...! They had a lesson at Young Women's about hygiene and not wearing too much make-up and they taught them how to put it on so they didn't look like sluts. Well McFly is only 12 and me being the mean mother that I am, I don't let her wear make-up, just lip gloss. She came home and told me all about it and I walked in the kitchen and got a snack, and she proceeded to rob me blind. Yes ladies, she stole my MAC make-up and brushes!!! Now you all know how I feel about my MAC make-up...it costs more than my house! And yes I hoard it!

The next day I'm looking for my blush and it is not to be found! I asked her about it and of course she denied it...several times. Homer finally (after 2 days) told her no questions asked and no consequences just bring it back. I went in and talked to her and she told me (accidentally) where her hiding place was and got me my stuff.

Next day, after she went to school I looked in her hiding place and what did I find? Not only our extra cell phone that she is not allowed to use without permission, but she had been texting on it. AND....there was a red lace negligee!!! I almost thew up!!! I had no idea where it came from and all kinds of things were going through my mind. Then Homer came home and I went through my "nightie" drawer and found the panties for the red lace item and was thrilled that it was mine. Yes I have so many of them that I can't keep track. But that is also the drawer I hide drugs in!!! Not bad drugs, good drugs!!!

Well, we have installed bio fingerprint locks and keypads on our bedroom door and my sewing room which is another favorite invasion place of hers. Lucky me. Adoption anyone? I think I will go make an apron...

Serious Problem With The Thought Process...

Yesterday in "Relief Society" at Church for those of you who don't know what that is...our lesson was on Freedom To Choose, or agency and crap like that. Anyway...the teacher asked us about choices we've made and why we make them and consequences and stuff and all I could think of for a good choice is that I did not kill my kid and bury her in the back yard because...I don't think I would make a good prison girlfriend. And Homer might get mad. He likes her. Because he is gone all day. That has to be the only reason.

Am I the only one who has thought this?!!

Then she made me breakfast this morning so I had to like her again. It is a day by day process. I have had to put locks on my bedroom door and on my sewing room door to keep her out. I have to pat her down every time she leaves the house goes to the home of anyone else. Yes, it is that bad.

Any suggestions? Remember...she has so conscience and no reasoning abilities. I know you smarties out there and all of you that just LOVE being a mom and are so good at it can give me some hints. Not Prozac. The happy pills came with The First Born.

Either give me some suggestions or tell my how big your back yard is....